Seto Kaiba's Tried & True Methods
by WhosJeebus
Summary: First dates are always rough, even if you're an attractive young billionaire with an IQ that measures off the charts. With Joey Wheeler as his eager instructor, Seto Kaiba learns a few important lessons about dating.


Title: **Seto Kaiba's Tried & True Methods of Teenage Seduction: A Dating Manual for Today's Socially Awkward Billionaire (1/1)**

Author: **WhosJeebus**

Rating: M

Pairing(s): Seto/Joey, references to past Yami/Joey

Beta: Jennie B. (mild mannered career woman by day, super beta by night!)

Spoilers: slight mention of Dungeon Dice Monsters, Battle City, and the ending to the anime series

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! doesn't belong to me, and neither do Seto and Joey. Which is a damn shame, if you ask me.

Summary: First dates are always rough, even if you're an attractive teenage billionaire with an IQ that measures off the charts. Out of his element and out on the town with Joey Wheeler, Seto Kaiba learns that if it's meant to be, things have a way of working out on their own...

**xxxxx**

****

**Monday**

**The Classroom Incident**

**"It just doesn't pay to be unconventional."**

**xxxxx**

"I wish you wouldn't stare at me like that. It's kinda creepy."

Seto jerked upright in his seat and fumbled with the open text book in front of him, knocking several papers off his desk in the process. Feeling his face flush heatedly, he attempted a wan smirk at the frowning blond in front of him.

Shit.

Caught.

He could have sworn Wheeler had been sleeping in class again. How did he even notice? "I wasn't staring. Get over yourself, Mutt." Still somewhat flustered, Seto leaned over awkwardly, gathering his notes from the floor and hiding his reddened face against his shoulder.

Joey narrowed his eyes briefly before turning back around to face the front of the classroom. "Right."

Embarrassed as he was, Seto still refused to back down and allow his nemesis the final word. Addressing the back of Wheeler's head, he growled through clenched teeth, "Unlike you, my studies are important to me. I was merely reading ahead in preparation for Friday's test."

Joey didn't bother to turn around again. "Next time, try reading it right-side up, why dontcha? You'll get more out of it that way." He shrugged. "Or so I've been told."

Shifting his gaze, Seto glared fiercely at his upside-down geography book and didn't reply.

**xxxxx**

****

**Tuesday**

**An Occurrence During Computer Lab**

**"Never let your attention wander."**

**xxxxx**

"You're doin' it again."

Biting back a curse, Seto ducked his head behind his computer monitor and banged angrily on the keyboard, hoping beyond hope that Wheeler was addressing someone else. No such luck. The mutt was actually getting up from his assigned cubicle and coming over.

Once the lanky blond was leaning casually against the adjacent kiosk, he yawned widely and began studying his ragged fingernails with intent. "So tell me something, Moneybags -- are you busy plottin' my painful demise, or is it just that you like what you see?"

To Seto's left, Yugi Moto sucked in a sharp breath. Nosy little fucker.

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. I was simply attempting to finish up today's coding assignment."

"Uh-huh."

Joey locked eyes with Seto for the space of several heartbeats, unblinking. Much to his dismay, the normally steel-willed CEO found himself the first to drop his gaze. Dammit. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go...

Giving Seto a scathing once over, Joey smiled smugly before cracking another huge yawn. "Might help if you actually turned the monitor on," he tossed over his shoulder as he shuffled back to his own seat.

Seto wiped his suddenly sweaty palms on the fabric of his uniform pants, studiously ignoring the muffled snickers emanating from Yugi's computer cubicle.

**xxxxx**

****

**Wednesday**

**What Happened in the Shower Room**

**"Don't reveal too much early on."**

**xxxxx**

"Take a picture; it'll last longer."

This was becoming ridiculous. Seto slid his gaze up and away from the slender, towel-clad hips to meet mischievous, deep brown eyes. He wracked his brain furiously, trying to come up with an appropriate reaction to being caught staring yet again. Try as he might, the lone thought his decidedly un helpful, one-track mind supplied him with was, "Wet. Oh my God, Wheeler's WET." In dismay, Seto realized that he was sporting the first eager stirrings of an erection, and a certain, distinctive heat began to flood his nether regions as he stammered out a response.

"I -- Uhhh..." Oh sweet Jesus, now he sounded like a complete idiot... Why was this happening to him?

"Towel."

Seto blinked rapidly, and pondered the possibility that he had actually blacked out for a moment from sheer embarrassment. "Whaa?" he blurted stupidly.

"Your towel. Better catch it, Hotshot; it's slippin'."

Fuck! Seto made a belated grab for the damp covering that was even now swiftly unraveling itself from around his waist. He knew he'd managed to flash a large portion of the locker room from the rear when a chorus of whistles and catcalls accompanied his awkward fumbling. Nothing was going right today. Even his reaction time felt slow, his body seemingly weighted down with unfamiliar urges and bizarre compulsions. Compulsions like dragging Joey Wheeler into the nearest shower stall and kissing that insufferable smirk right off of his face. After that, he would-- well, once the kissing part was out of the way, Seto wasn't sure what he wanted to do next exactly, but he was fairly certain it should involve some privacy and a bit of enthusiastic groping on both their parts.

Thinking further along those lines, Seto felt the familiar warmth suffuse his face once again. He covered his discomfiture by attempting to shove brusquely past Wheeler on his way to the dressing area. He had practically felt live, electric sparks jump between the two of them as their bare shoulders brushed, and he had to bite down hard on his lower lip to stifle a low moan. "Gotta -- Clothes..." Seto murmured brokenly as he stumbled away.

Joey turned his head slowly as he followed the taller boy's lurching progress. "Hey Kaiba," he breathed huskily in the brunet's ear, "You should probably rinse your hair before you get dressed, dontcha think?" Stifling a tired yawn, Joey disappeared around the corner.

The throaty tone of voice had caused Seto's breath to hitch painfully in his chest, and Wheeler's parting words took a moment or two to sink through the fog of his lust-addled brain. In a daze, Seto reached up to touch the top of his head, and came away with a handful of white lather. As he stood in the middle of the crowded showers, gaping absurdly at his sudsy fingers, a very bewildered Seto Kaiba couldn't quite decide if he felt like laughing or crying.

Probably both.

Possibly at the same time.

While he mulled over this difficult dilemma, he hardly even noticed his towel hit the locker room floor.

**xxxxx**

****

**Thursday**

**Events During Gym**

**"Use your surroundings to your advantage."**

**xxxxx**

"Yo, Kaiba! Heads up!"

Joey's warning came a bit too late, since the runaway basketball that had sailed far out of Ryou Bakura's reach had already impacted with the side of Seto's head, knocking it back against the wooden bleachers with a solid sounding THWACK. Seto winced as he dropped to the gymnasium floor like a lead weight, suppressing both the loud groan and even louder epithet that struggled to escape his lips.

Shirtless and panting lightly, Wheeler sauntered over, (was that infuriating punk deliberately swinging his hips?) and leaned down to give Seto a hand up. His smile was wide and sunny, as if the blond was the only person who happened to be in on some private joke. Seto was instantly alert and suspicious. Was it possible that the mutt had actually possessed the audacity to throw that ball on purpose? Surely not. Surely Yugi and the rest of his do-gooder friends would frown on such behavior?

Clasping Joey's sweaty wrist as he was pulled back up onto his feet, Seto studied the smaller boy's shark-like grin and could discern nothing useful other than the fact that butter probably wouldn't melt in that smiling mouth. Feeling at a loss for the first time in their relationship, Seto came to the conclusion that the bewildering role reversal he'd been subjected to all week long was simply beginning to make him... twitchy. Seto shook off such foolish misgivings and retrieved the basketball, tossing it back over to Ryou as Joey continued to smirk at him playfully.

"Guess that'll teach you to keep your eye on the ball instead of my ass, huh, Rich Boy?"

Ryou snorted loudly and turned to give Joey a quick high five. Smothering a yawn behind an open palm, the target of Seto's frustrated desire returned to his pick-up game, pausing only to flash another quick glimpse of that sly, disconcerting smile in the brunet's direction. Flustered, Seto continued to observe from the relative safety of the sidelines, careful to keep his eyes above waist level this time.

**xxxxx**

****

**Friday**

**The Locker Affair**

**"Always try to be complimentary, but genuine."**

**xxxxx**

"Caught ya."

Seto slammed his locker door shut and whirled to face Joey, a blush already rising to his cheeks. "Oh, for the love of -- ! I really wasn't staring at you that time, Wheeler!"

"I know. I'm just really startin' to like seein' your face get all red like that. It's kinda nice to know that Seto Kaiba, a.k.a. 'Ruler of the Known Universe', is human, after all."

Seto opened and closed his mouth a number of times, unsure of what to say to that admission. In the end, he came up with an astoundingly brilliant, "Oh." This really wasn't his week. Recovering his wits somewhat, Seto started to ask Wheeler why he even cared whether or not his most hated rival had feelings, but his ears picked up the unmistakable sound of muted snickers coming from the hallway's busy throng. He pressed his lips together tightly, hesitant and self conscious once more.

Even Joey looked rather peeved at the interruption, and he turned to shoot an irritated glare at the surrounding crowd. Tristan Taylor, along with a few other members of the nerd herd, shuffled their feet and managed to look slightly ashamed of themselves as they slowly drifted away. The rest of the spectators quickly found something more interesting to gawk at, taking care to give the angry blond a wide berth.

His attention once again focused solely on Seto, Joey leaned in close, brushing their chests together lightly as he backed the taller boy against the row of lockers. He arched one perfect, blond eyebrow, his teasing, pink tongue darting out to wet a pair of sensuous, full lips that seemed to part in agonizingly slow motion. Seto held his breath, unable to quell his excitement and his rampaging hormones as his overactive imagination took control, offering up all manner of improbable, lascivious things that Wheeler might say:

"Is that a duel disk in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"I feel kinda naughty today. Would you like to feel me too?"

"That's a nice shirt you're wearing. I bet it would look great on my floor."

"Would your Battle Ox like to come out and play with my Panther Warrior?"

Or, the ever popular and succinct:

"Take me now, Seto!"

But, what he got in place of a come-on was just another massive yawn, coupled with a slightly sheepish expression. "Sorry 'bout that," Joey muttered sleepily as he stepped back, clapping Seto firmly on the shoulder. "I could use a nap, I guess." The brunet struggled in vain to hide his disappointment, and as he gathered his scattered thoughts together in order to hurl an appropriately timed insult, Wheeler spun back around and grabbed the collar of Seto's uniform jacket.

Startled, Seto jerked backwards forcefully, only to bang the back of his already bruised head on the metal door. "Owww!" What exactly was going on here? Since when was Wheeler into the rough stuff? These kinds of things usually only happened in some of Seto's more risqué fantasies...

As if reading the other's mind, Joey merely smirked wider, firmly tugging Seto down to meet him nose to nose. The taller teen swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, his pulse racing dangerously. "Meet me on the roof after school. Don't be late."

Releasing Seto, Joey whirled away and stalked off down the hall, spoiling his dramatic exit to a certain degree by yawning loudly behind a closed fist. Nevertheless, Seto felt that an impression had definitely been made. He reached down to surreptitiously adjust the front of his pants, sighing in frustration. And it was probably going to take a while for that 'impression' to die down, too.

Such a pleasant way to spend chem lab... not.

Seto turned abruptly to stride off in the opposite direction, only to be caught up short as he heard a loud, tearing sound. He fell to the ground and sprawled awkwardly on the none-too-sanitary floor of Domino High, confused and horribly embarrassed yet again. He lay perfectly still for a moment, trying to piece together what had just happened. The thunderous roaring in his ears easily drowned out the laughter of his classmates as his gaze drifted upwards, spotting the large chunk of his uniform jacket that was now caught in the closed door of his locker.

Seto rested his hot face against the ground, indulging himself in a brief moment to enjoy the sensation of cool tile against his flushed skin.

Someday, he vowed silently to himself, he was going to take this comedy act out on the road.

**xxxxx**

****

**After School**

**Rooftop Encounter**

**"Don't come across as too needy."**

**xxxxx**

It was no secret that Seto Kaiba was the type of person who took great pride in his overall appearance. He skirted the edge of vain on most days, keeping his nails immaculately manicured, his school uniform pressed and neat. His auburn locks were always painstakingly styled and spotlessly clean, without a single hair out of place. He was fanatical about his skin care and personal hygiene, and if asked, he would tell you that he believed adamantly in the old adage, 'Never let them see you sweat'. It was, after all, only good business acumen to make a favorable first impression. Today, however, was different, Seto mused as he bounded up Domino High's fourth story staircase three steps at a time; he'd literally gone and blown the majority of his sensible and routine preparations all to hell.

So here he was, mere seconds after the final bell of the school day, shoving past fellow students who, although potentially in a hurry themselves, were forced to take a back seat to Seto's own frantic urgency. He didn't care about the spectacle he made with his ripped, untucked clothing flying behind him, his hair a tousled mess, and perspiration dripping unheeded down his brow line to partially obscure his vision. All he cared about was making it to the rooftop on time, and finding out exactly what kind of game the object of his obsession had been playing at all week.

Seto Kaiba was notoriously good at games.

Seto Kaiba liked playing games immensely.

So why then, was he so desperate for this particular game to be over and done with?

He shook his aching head in annoyance and put on a little more speed. He wanted an explanation for all his troubles of late; some answers as to why he was utterly unable to expel thoughts of Joey Wheeler-- more specifically, naked Joey Wheeler-- from his troubled mind. Anything less than full disclosure was unacceptable. Soon enough, the farce of his current, intolerable existence would be at an end, and he would have his satisfaction; even if he had to throttle that maddening, little loser to get it. Just what the fuck was Wheeler up to, anyway? He wanted, no, needed Joey purged from his system. There was really no going on like this any longer.

Oh sure, over the course of the past week Seto had learned to ignore the gaping stares of his bewildered classmates, their obvious pointing, and even the occasional bouts of derisive laughter that floated to his far-too-often overheated ears. He'd gradually become accustomed to the mild ridicule his recent behavior had garnered, secure in the knowledge that as long as he could eventually kick this bizarre and troubling obsession with Joey Wheeler, sense would return to his world, and the inferior denizens of Domino City would regain their customary fear and awe of him.

There was nothing wrong with hoping, anyway.

After a week of this treatment, Seto was beginning to regard constant embarrassment as the norm, and had come up with no feasible solution to his problem other than trying very, very hard to not let it bother him anymore. He was thus far failing miserably in his self-appointed task. Could this be what Wheeler felt like all the time? Impossible; the moron would have flung himself off of a tall building by now if that were the case...

Momentarily panicked, Seto flung open the emergency door leading to the roof, finding only a slender, solitary figure standing on the far edge opposite him. Joey didn't turn around at the loud crash of Seto's arrival; he merely kept one hand shoved deep in a front pocket as he grasped the surrounding chain link fence with the other, serenely gazing out into the distance.

"You're late."

Seto huffed churlishly as he made his way over the rooftop's pebbled surface toward Joey's silhouetted form. Unbeknownst to the blond, he was framed dramatically by the rays of the afternoon sun, and Seto found that his imperious stride faltered a time or two as he swiftly crossed the distance separating them. A bit shakily, he leaned back against the fence with his arms crossed over his chest, and despite the sudden dryness in his throat, Seto thought he sounded relatively calm when he admonished, "I'm not late, idiot. You just happened to ditch your last class."

Joey still didn't make a move to look over at his companion; he merely smiled mischievously as he asked, "You been keepin' tabs on me, big guy?"

Seto's composure had been ruffled by his stubborn counterpart yet again, but he took a deep breath to steady himself, intently studying Joey's pensive profile prior to opening his mouth and inserting his foot for the umpteenth time this week. Before he could speak, however, Joey finally ended his scrutiny of the Domino skyline, and turned to fix Seto in place with just a look.

"You're right. I did cut class," he admitted freely, "Or, maybe I was just bein' extremely punctual. It's all in one's perspective, dontcha think?" That secret smile was playing about the blond's lips once more, and all of Seto's righteous indignation and desire for retribution immediately flew out the window. At that moment, he felt that he could suffer through any number and manner of public humiliations, just to be sharing the joke and basking in the glow of that hidden amusement.

Damn.

He had it bad.

Seto was starting to theorize that the only chance he might have of regaining normalcy in his everyday life, and better yet, his very sanity, was to take control of the situation and go on the offensive. At least, it sounded like a pretty darn good idea in his head..."Just why the hell did you ask me to come up here today, Wheeler?" he demanded icily.

Joey didn't seem to be the least put off by Seto's forbidding tone. In fact, his smile became just the tiniest bit sharper, and he leaned in closer to the taller boy. "I only wanted us to have a little privacy when I told you that my answer is 'yes'."

Feeling his neck heat up at Joey's suggestive tone, and spontaneously picturing the countless filthy implications his imagination came up with, Seto found his voice to be reasonably steady as he asked, "Oh? And what, pray tell, was the mystery question?"

"Yes, I'll go out with you," Joey stated simply. "That is why you've been starin' at me all week, ain't it? Not to mention the fact that you've been followin' me around constantly with your big, puppy dog eyes and droolin' on the back of my neck whenever you thought I wasn't lookin'... Thought I'd save you some embarrassment and skip right to the punch line." Joey leaned in even closer, until Seto imagined that he could feel the heat radiating from the blond's body through their respective clothing. "That alright with you, Kaiba? Or did you feel like draggin' this out for another lifetime or two?"

In lieu of speech at that particular juncture, Seto settled for nodding dumbly with his mouth hanging half-open. It's not like he hadn't already sunk lower than he'd ever believed possible. At this point, why should he give a rat's ass that he'd just willingly handed Joey Wheeler the ultimate revenge for each and every disparaging slight to his dueling abilities, every canine themed insult, and every real or imagined wrong that Seto had heaped upon him since the beginning of their association? Really, it ought to be enough that he'd reduced the former Duel Monsters champion and Kaiba Corp CEO to a simpering idiot with just a few well-placed touches and thinly veiled insinuations. He truly, deeply, honestly hoped that it would be enough. He doubted his self respect would last very long as so much putty in Wheeler's hands.

Joey reached up and patted Seto on the cheek as though soothing a small child. "Great. It's all settled then. I'm gonna head home and grab a quick snooze, and you're gonna pick me up eight sharp. Oh, and drive the Bentley tonight, would ya? I've been known to put out on the first date for a good meal and a nice ride." One saucy wink later, Wheeler was through the door and down the stairs, leaving Seto standing motionless on the sunny rooftop, making eerily accurate comparisons between himself and a befuddled pile of jelly.

Huh.

That hadn't quite gone as planned.

Four hours should be ample time to scoop his brains back into his skull and get ready for a date, right?

Right?

**xxxxx**

****

**Friday Night**

**A Date in Progress**

**"There's nothing more appealing than self confidence."**

**xxxxx**

So far, so good.

Seto managed to get showered without slipping and ending up with a concussion, gave himself a quick shave without slitting his own throat open, and had even pulled off the difficult feat of escorting Joey from his apartment building to the waiting Bentley (the silver one) without stepping in a puddle and spraining his ankle. Seto even took a minute or two to silently congratulate himself for getting in and out of the vehicle without ripping the seat of his pants. He was hell-bent on covering every angle; determined to be extra vigilant and on guard against any sort of mishap that might occur. His resolve and sense of accomplishment only grew as he made it through a five course meal, skillfully avoiding the horror of having food stuck in his teeth or, God forbid, spilling anything on himself. And now, here he sat with his unlikely date for the evening, watching some generic sci-fi/action flick from the rickety upper balcony of the local theater, secretly glowing with pride for not tripping and breaking his neck as he climbed the foreboding stairs to their seats. Given the unfortunate events of the past week, Seto was more than ready to count his first date a rousing success even before it had ended. Eager to do so, in fact, despite the likelihood that the night could just as easily degenerate into name calling and fisticuffs -- just like every other time he and Joey had spent any significant amount of time together.

As it was, he felt that everything had gone exceedingly smooth up to this point, but, even so, he couldn't help cringing just a little in anticipation of some imminent catastrophe. There was a peculiar kind of freedom in openly acknowledging that he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and as the night progressed, Seto found himself relaxing, if only a tiny bit.

The drive to the restaurant had been fraught with awkward silence at first, but soon Joey was fiddling with the CD changer and singing along (quite poorly) to some appalling popular rock group that Seto had never heard of. The exasperated CEO soon learned that when it came to Joey Wheeler's convoluted DNA, lack of vocal talent and the inability to carry a tune in a bucket was more than compensated for by sheer volume and enthusiasm. Seto's hearing and remaining sanity were salvaged unexpectedly by his date's disturbingly brief attention span but, sadly, the respite was destined to be short-lived. Boredom quickly sank in, and Joey began messing with every single button, lever and switch within his reach, despite Seto's frequent reprimands. By the time Wheeler was standing in the passenger seat with his head sticking through the open sunroof, Seto had been reduced to grinding his teeth together and slowly counting to ten.

Then twenty.

With lots of deep breaths in between.

Luckily, they were pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant when Seto reached the landmark number of fifty without giving in to the desire to pull over and throttle the blond. He'd actually beaten his personal best score by a count of thirty or so, which, in Seto's opinion, was more than enough cause for celebration. He idly wondered if Wheeler liked champagne...

Joey, it turned out, did indeed like champagne -- in great quantities, just like everything else on the menu. Seto sat across from his former rival, equal parts aghast and bemused as he observed enough food to feed an army regiment for a week disappear past Joey's lips faster than it could arrive at the table. No matter that Wheeler couldn't even pronounce a number of the dishes he was eating with such gusto, because it wasn't exactly like he was tasting them on the way down, anyway. How could he, the way he was shoveling bite after massive bite into his open mouth, seemingly without pausing to take a breath. There also seemed to be a few utensils missing as well...

Seto remained mostly silent throughout the meal, aimlessly pushing food around on his plate while pondering the situation he had gotten himself into. Five star culinary rating be damned, he could easily envision having to declare bankruptcy if he didn't swallow his pride and take the mutt to an all-you-can-eat buffet on their next date. That is, if there were any such establishments left in town that didn't recognize Wheeler on sight, with strict instructions not to let him in the front door.

Hey, hold on just a minute.

Next date?

One very scary, very bizarre step at a time, please and thank you.

Seto reached for his napkin with a shaky hand and dabbed lightly at the sweat beading on his forehead. A hush had abruptly descended on their secluded corner of the restaurant, causing the brunet to glance up and see that Joey had, temporarily at least, paused his marathon bingeing. Amber eyes and a mildly troubled expression stared back at him from across the table.

"Do I need to perform the Heimlich maneuver?"

Joey made a wry face and waved his empty fork in Seto's general direction. "You're just not sayin' much, is all."

"I could have been sitting over here reciting sonnets the entire time, and I doubt you'd have heard me over the noise you were making."

Joey fidgeted with the tablecloth and eyed Seto's untouched salad. "You're not really eatin' much either..."

"For your information, some of us are born with only one stomach."

Surveying the dining room, Seto happened to notice their waiter nervously peeking around the corner and wringing his hands. He couldn't exactly blame the poor man for his obvious reluctance to check up on them. After all, no one in their right mind would want to get their hands and limbs too close to Joey Wheeler's appetite in action. Seto snapped his fingers to get the server's attention and inclined his head toward Joey's empty plate. "Dessert?"

"You even need to ask?"

With their skittish waiter dispatched to fetch the dessert cart, Seto once again took note of that same uneasy look still directed over at him. Rolling his eyes and sighing as if he were about to make some huge concession regarding a hostile corporate takeover, Seto growled, "If it will make you feel better, I'll try harder to make pointless conversation while you stuff your face. Does that work for you?" Seto felt pretty magnanimous about the generous offer. For all of about three seconds.

"It's not that. It's just..." Joey trailed off, averting his eyes.

Seto felt a surge of panic. It was him. It had to be. He'd done something wrong; he just knew it!

"What's the problem then?" he snapped. "You didn't like the food? You're not having a good time? You want to go home, is that it?" Seto could hear his own voice rising in volume, but self control seemed to have been set aside for the time being. Everything had been going so well, dammit!

"Jesus, Kaiba! Would you just chill the fuck out for sec?"

A number of restaurant employees had stepped out of the kitchen to ogle the couple's dispute, and Seto was a hair's breadth away from throwing things at their smugly curious faces. And at Wheeler too, for that matter. He should have known better... "Then what's wrong! Tell me how to fix this!" He banged his fist down on the table to emphasize his words, dishes and glassware rattling harshly with the impact.

"Sheesh. Man, are you wound tight or what? Have some more champagne and try to, y'know... relax." Joey shook his head sadly, and then pointed his finger at Seto's full plate. "You gonna eat that?"

"That's it?" Seto nearly shrieked. "You just wanted my food?"

The blond head nodded up and down eagerly. "Yep. I'm freakin' hungry!" The dessert cart rolled up to the table at that moment, and Joey's eyes widened in gluttonous ecstasy. "Holy --!"

Seto slumped back in his chair, gingerly rubbing his aching temples with his fingertips. "Bring him one -- no, two -- of everything on there." As an afterthought he added, "And the check." All fifteen fucking pages of it. Even if he had to auction off a wing of the Kaiba mansion, Seto deemed the look of open adoration on Joey's face well worth the cost.

No more denying it.

He was whipped.

****

**xxxxx**

****

Two hours later, Seto sat in an unpleasantly sticky and uncomfortable movie theater chair with a half-eaten meal churning in his stomach and absolutely no idea what was happening in the substandard excuse for a film he was supposed to be watching, Oddly enough, it was no stretch for him to admit to himself that he was quite simply having the best time of his entire life. It seemed there was a lot to be said for 'going with the flow' as his easygoing companion had phrased it.

Joey picked the movie. Seto couldn't recall a single name on the billboard.

Joey ordered the snacks -- lots of snacks. Seto paid for them and then didn't eat a single kernel of popcorn.

Joey chose seats in the second balcony and immediately propped his feet up on the chair in front of him. Seto didn't complain about any of it.

He thought back to the busy Friday night schedule he'd rearranged, the pile of documents sitting ignored on his desk, and the meetings he had cancelled just to be here tonight, and realized that he didn't feel a moment's regret or resentment. Right now, there was no place on earth he'd rather be than sitting in this stuffy, darkened theater as the sound of special effects explosions reverberated off the walls and rattled his eardrums-- ignoring all of it as he held tight to a warm, soft hand and gazed down at Joey Wheeler's sleeping face, nestled against his shoulder.

The yawning had started barely half an hour into the flick, and despite the loud, glaring urgency of the alien invasion onscreen, Joey seemed far less concerned with the fate of the human race than with planting himself face first into the empty popcorn bucket on his lap. Without thinking, Seto reached over with one hand and lightly stroked the blond's cheek. "Here," he whispered, gently drawing the smaller boy against himself. "Go ahead and make yourself comfortable." He slid down in his chair and propped some of his weight over onto the padded armrest that separated them, giving a small start when he felt Joey's fingers intertwine with his own.

"Thanks Kaiba; 'm really sleepy." He yawned again, snuggling against the soft fabric of Seto's dress shirt. "Movie kinda sucks."

Seto nodded absently. "Yes. It certainly does."

"Sorry..." Joey drawled, mostly asleep.

Seto did his own private double take. Had Wheeler just apologized to him? When exactly did hell freeze over? Were the skies outside filled with winged swine? He covered his shock by squeezing Joey's hand tighter and admonishing, "You can make it up to me by not drooling on my $800 shirt, Mutt." Seto smiled softly and glanced down at the serenely sleeping face beside him.

Damn.

Too late.

**xxxxx**

****

After an indeterminate amount of time, the lights came back up in the theater and Joey reluctantly (or so it seemed) released Seto's hand to rub at his bleary eyes. Feigning nonchalance, Seto manipulated his stiff shoulder back and forth a few times, astutely ignoring the fond, sleepy smile Joey directed up at him, as well as the damp patch on his sleeve. He was ashamed at the sappy turn his thoughts had taken during the movie, and instead of spending his downtime carefully planning out his next move, he had given in to the urge to moon over his drowsing date like a lovesick, well... puppy, actually. He couldn't exactly take back his uncharacteristic behavior after the fact, so now what?

Pretend it didn't happen?

Deny everything?

Blame the mutt?

That last one seemed pretty feasible...

Come to think of it, there really should be a manual for these kinds of things.

While he mulled over the possibilities, Seto tried his damnedest to turn a deaf ear to all the enticing grunts and groans coming from his right as Wheeler stretched languidly. It wasn't working so great however, seeing as how all sorts of bewitching pictures were being formed in his head...

Slumped in his seat once more, Joey turned to peer up at Seto through sleep-tousled golden bangs. "So Kaiba," he began, "Your place or mine?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Where we headed to next? Your place or mine?"

Seto was beginning to sweat a little. He hated sweating. "I don't think--" He blinked. Was that-- Was that a pout?

"Aww, come on! I'm tryin' really hard to do all the work here, y'know. Meet me halfway for once." Joey seemed a bit exasperated, and Seto was enjoying the show. He dearly hoped that the other boy never managed to catch on to this particular guilty pleasure; it would spoil all his fun. In that interest, Seto realized he would have to keep this up for awhile; Wheeler's brow was only now starting to form that little crease he loved so much... that meant the shouting and flailing wouldn't be far behind. Ah, sweet anticipation.

Joey narrowed his eyes even further at the brunet's clear lack of a response. "Look, I'll spell it out for you. There's no way in hell that we can go to my place, so that's your cue to step in and suggest, I dunno, coffee or somethin'."

"I don't drink coffee." Seto was utterly mesmerized by the small tic that had developed in Wheeler's left eye.

"That's not the point!" Joey lurched to his feet and grabbed both their coats, shoving Seto's at him none too gently. "Get up. We're goin' to your house."

"I don't recall inviting you over." Seto smirked to himself as he followed Joey's headlong rush down the empty theater aisle. "What exactly are we doing when we get there, if I might ask?"

Joey halted in midstride and turned around, narrowly avoiding a collision with his date, who was obviously having problems keeping his eyes above waist level again. He leaned in close, one hand brushing lightly, innocently, across Seto's collarbone, the other reaching down and ghosting over the crotch of Seto's dress slacks. "I can't wait to see if it's as big and nice as everyone says..." he breathed.

Seto swallowed. Hard. "P-pardon?"

Joey straightened and stepped back, holding up the tiny speck of popcorn he'd whisked from Seto's pants. "Your mansion. I've heard plenty about it, but I've never seen the inside." He sent the taller boy a sly wink. "What did you think I was talkin' about?"

Seto growled and gave Joey's shoulder a firm nudge. "Let's just go."

He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take.

**xxxxx**

****

The trip from the movie theater to the Kaiba estate turned out to be one long, maddening argument from start to finish. If it weren't for the subject matter, Seto would have found it almost... comforting.

"Wheeler, I think I need to make this clear before anything else happens; you do realize we're not having sex tonight, right?"

That pout again. "We're not?"

"No. So just put that idea right out of your--" Joey's hand was now resting on Seto's thigh. Not really doing anything threatening, it was just... there. " --head." he finished up, lamely.

Joey shrugged. "Head's fine by me; I just figured you'd want to go all the way.You know... bump uglies, shag like bunnies on Viagra, make the beast with two backs, do the ill freaky na-na --"

Seto stepped on the gas pedal, probably a little harder than necessary. "Mutt!"

"What? Why are you bein' so uptight about it? It's fun!"

"I just don't think it would be appropriate. This is merely a first date, after all."

"Appropriate?" Joey goggled at Seto's profile. "Are you eighteen or eighty-one?"

Gripping the steering wheel tightly, Seto ground out, "Don't be an idiot. There are plenty of other reasons why it's a bad idea."

"Name one."

"OK, fine. Mokuba will still be awake when we get there."

Joey scoffed and inched his hand a bit further up Seto's thigh. "So, just put him to bed. Then you can put me to bed. Or over your desk, or against the wall, or hanging from the --"

The car swerved slightly, and Joey grinned. Rather wolfishly, in Seto's opinion. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but don't make me have to stop this car and come over there."

"You wanna do it in the car? Alright, but I sure hope you're flexible..." Joey waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Seto ignored him.

The blond continued to stare intently at his glowering date, and after a few minutes of introspection, a piece of the puzzle seemed to click into place. "I get it now! You're a virgin!" He bounced up and down in his seat excitedly.

"That is none of your business."

Joey patted Seto's thigh reassuringly, then took the opportunity to edge his fingers up even higher. "You don't have to worry about a thing, Kaiba; I'll take care of all of it. I'll even be gentle, seein' as how it's your first time."

Seto brought the Bentley to a screeching halt under the entryway in front of the Kaiba mansion. "The hell you will."

Joey merely continued to smile up at him beatifically while idly toying with the zipper on Seto's pants.

Shortly after that, Seto finally figured out that some resolutions were simply meant to be broken.

It was better that way, really.

**xxxxx**

****

**Late Friday**

**Making the Most of the Afterglow**

**"Most importantly, be yourself."**

**xxxxx**

He was dreaming.

That was the only logical explanation.

The sensations, the sheer perfection of it all.

It should never have to end... But then, it did.

Seto thrust one final time into the welcoming heat below, his powerful release easily overwhelming his stoic determination to prolong the moment. His inherent stubbornness was no match for the unexpected, unparalleled pleasure that shook him to his very core, and despite vowing himself to silence earlier, hearing Joey's simultaneous cry of ecstasy shattered that resolve in an instant. He was quite sure that his roar of completion had rattled the very rafters of the mansion, and when he slitted his eyes open for an instant, Seto was mildly surprised not to see flakes of plaster drifting down from the ceiling. He certainly wasn't going to place any blame for it, no matter how embarrassing. Sex was nothing like what he had expected, nor even slightly similar to what he had experienced by his own hand. It was infinitely better. He wondered if it would be considered in poor taste to say 'thank you' right about now...

Rapidly coming down off his euphoric high, Seto belatedly realized that his arms were trembling violently and on the verge of collapse. Crushing Joey underneath him probably wouldn't be considered any proper form of gratitude, so he used the last of his strength to carefully extricate himself from his lover (lover!) and lower the other boy's legs gently down onto the bed. Then he flopped over onto his back with a tired grunt, and proceeded to replay every second of the last hour over again in his head. With critical commentary added in for learning purposes, of course. The inner narrative was interrupted, however, when Joey came back down to earth, suddenly exclaiming, "Holy shit, it's true! It really is possible to be fucked blind...!"

Seto chuckled and reached across the bed to slowly unwind the dark blue scarf from around Joey's eyes. "Oh. Yeah..." the blond muttered to himself as he grinned sheepishly. Still riding a wave of blissful contentment, he stretched his lanky body out as far as he could reach, arching his back and pointing his toes, attempting to loosen his delightfully sore and overstressed muscles. Joey nudged Seto's side with his elbow, giving the handcuffs that still encircled his wrists a loud rattle. The clatter of metal against the wood of the headboard caused Seto to crack open one blue eye and peer over at the commotion. Joey stared back worriedly. "You have the keys for these, right?"

Yawning, Seto leaned over the edge of the bed and rummaged through his 'toy box' in search of the tiny key ring. He knew it was in there somewhere, he just hadn't been thinking clearly enough to lay it out somewhere convenient beforehand. Apparently, even geniuses were subject to having their synapses misfire when things got a little... heated.

"Y'know Kaiba, I always figured you for a kinky son-of-a-bitch, but I never imagined you'd actually have the equipment to back it up. And I do mean 'equipment' in every possible sense of the word." Joey twisted over onto his stomach to get a glimpse of what other goodies the box might contain. "Hey! Does that thing have batteries in it? Damn, you get bonus points just for ownin' something that freaky!"

"I lead a rich fantasy life."

Joey snorted. "Everything about your life is rich, Moneybags."

Seto smiled to himself as Joey rolled back over and continued his numeric assessment of their most recent encounter:

"Overactive imaginations must pay off, 'cause I'd say you passed the practical with flying colors. Let's see... definitely worth an extra ten points for taking me along with you there at the end; that's always nice. Gonna have to deduct a few for the use of lavender hand lotion as lube though, just for makin' me smell girly. Oh, and top marks for technique and stamina, not to mention enthusiasm. Got nothin' to fault you for in those departments." Joey tugged experimentally on his wrists again. "This is quality stuff here, but it's still gonna cost you a serious demerit if you don't find those fuckin' keys!" he finished up, shouting.

"Relax. They'll turn up eventually."

"Eventually? What if I need to pee?" Another rattle.

"What if I've got you right where I want you?" Seto countered.

"You wouldn't..." Joey started squirming in earnest now.

"Fortunately, you're right. But I did think about it." Seto produced the elusive key ring at last and unlocked the cuffs, tossing them behind the bed before reaching over to draw Joey back against his chest. He propped his chin on top of the smaller boy's mop of soft, blond hair and blurted out, "Are you seeing anyone?"

Shit.

That wasn't what he had intended to ask at all.

Wasn't the afterglow supposed to be peaceful and sleepy? Why did he feel so energized right now? Why were there butterflies in his stomach? Hell, he was practically bordering on hyper.

Pathetic.

Joey laughed softly, not seeming the slightest bit offended at the blunt question. "No, I'm not seein' anyone right now. If I was, I wouldn't have gone out on a date with you."

This next part was going to be a bit touchy. It couldn't be helped, though. "But... there have been others, right?"

The warm body nestled against Seto's suddenly froze in the middle of a wide yawn. "Isn't it a bit soon to be doin' this? Let's not forget; I know first hand how freakin' obsessive you can be, Kaiba."

"Not necessarily, " Seto reasoned. "Besides, you should know me well enough to realize that I'm not obsessed with being the first; just the best."

"Fine, then. Just remember, you asked for it." Joey took a deep breath. "The only person I've slept with, other than you, is Yami."

Seto couldn't help himself. He tensed up, squeezing Joey tighter than was strictly necessary.

"I knew it. I knew you'd be this way." Joey flexed his arms, trying to throw off Seto's death grip. "Just let me get my clothes, and I'm outta here."

"I don't care," Seto mumbled against the back of Joey's neck.

"What?" The blond bucked harder, twisting his torso in a futile attempt to bolt from the bed. "Kaiba, turn loose, God dammit!"

"I said that I don't care." Seto let his arms go slack and raised one hand to stroke Joey's face in a soothing gesture. "Stop over-reacting and trying to sabotage this-- this thing we've got going. It doesn't matter who came before. I was just... just a little surprised, is all."

"Really? You're alright with it?"

"Yes, really. I -- I'm new at this, Wheeler. I'm just trying to learn more about you, and I think I might be going about it the wrong way." Seto thought over what he had just said. "Might be; I admit nothing."

Joey relaxed again. "OK. I'll keep that in mind from now on. And just maybe, I'll try keepin' a handle on my temper a little better, too. Maybe."

Satisfied with that concession, Seto let his mind wander once more, realizing that he was, in truth, perfectly at ease with the thought of Yami and Joey together in a previous sense. After all, it was a logical match, seeing as there was no one closer to the blond than --

A thought had just occurred to him. He gave Joey's shoulder a poke, jarring the other boy from a sound sleep.

"Huh?"

"Wheeler, did uh... did Yugi ever, you know, get in on the action too?"

"You're depraved, " Joey murmured, sounding rather admiring. "Yug' knew what was going on, if that's what you're askin'."

"That sounds... awkward."

Joey chuckled. "You're telling me. I tried to hide from him at school the next morning, but he hunted me down. Gave me hell for avoidin' him, too. Then he totally weirded me out by makin' suggestions on how I could 'get the most out of my love life'." Joey shook his head in fond remembrance. "Look up the word 'pervert' in the dictionary sometime, and I bet you'll find Yugi's smilin' face."

Seto made a mental note to grill Yugi for details at a later date.

"So, how did it end?"

"You're just full of questions, aren't ya? I never figured you for the nosey type, Kaiba."

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Mutt. Just humor me for now."

Joey sighed and scrubbed a hand through his disheveled hair. "I realize he's probably happier there, back in the past where he belongs, but I still miss him every now and then, y'know?"

Seto felt a brief tightening in his chest, but he nodded in understanding. "You and Yami were... close. Even I could tell that. It's not surprising you'd feel that way, now that he's gone." Curiosity got the better of him once again. "Were the two of you... lovers, for long?"

Joey absently patted at Seto's hand where it rested snugly against his abdomen. "I guess you could say it started on Duelist Kingdom, but that was mostly just us makin' goo-goo eyes at each other; nothin' you would call serious. He told me how he felt about me after that whole dog suit fiasco with Duke, but I was too freaked out to do anything about it. I still thought I was interested in Mai, at that point." Joey laughed. "Boy, she sure wasn't a happy camper when she found out about me and Yams..."

Envisioning a scorned and thwarted Mai Valentine, Seto had to suppress a wry grin. That woman had a temper almost as volatile as Joey's own. He certainly didn't envy Yami that particular instance.

"So anyway, after I saved the puzzle from the warehouse fire, Yami was... grateful, to say the least. As for me, I stopped havin' fits over the fact we were both guys, and just did what came naturally, so to speak." Joey's voice took on a playful, teasing tone. "Things were pretty damn wild on that blimp of yours, Kaiba. I think most everyone was doin' some serious bed hoppin' during that trip. Too bad you missed out on all the action, huh? Speaking of which, you do realize that Ryou used to have the hots for you, right?" Joey wrinkled his nose in thought. "Or maybe that was Bakura..."

Seto decided to ignore that last bit of information. The thought of being romantically involved with Ryou Bakura, and by default, his demonic alter ego at the time, nearly made him shudder with dread. Seto coughed lightly and deftly changed the subject. "And here I'd always assumed that I was sponsoring an official Duel Monsters tournament, not presiding over some sort of flying pleasure palace."

Joey laughed uproariously at this notion, his body shaking in Seto's arms with the force of his mirth. When the gales of laughter finally began to subside, he reached up to wipe away a stray tear, his voice becoming suddenly wistful and melancholy. "Yami and I --" Joey hesitated. "Atemu and I were together all the way up until he went through the time portal back to ancient Egypt. I won't say it was easy for us to say good-bye, but we both knew it was for the best." Joey cleared his throat softly and shifted around in Seto's grasp. "How 'bout you, Kaiba? You got anyone in your past besides Ms. Rosy Palm and her five sisters?"

"No." Seto briefly reflected on his utter lack of any kind of romantic history, and took a moment to ponder the strange realization that he was actually glad Wheeler had been his first. "But I do envy you the experience of caring for someone like that, and being cared for deeply in return." Wondering if he was perhaps revealing too much, too soon, Seto added, "I hope to experience it myself, someday."

Smiling to himself, Joey snuggled down even further under the warm blankets as a massive yawn split his face. "Hey, are you done chattin' me up, by any chance?"

Seto feigned hurt. "I didn't realize I was boring you. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you see, I had a big date with this really hot guy tonight, but I could tell from the start that he was kinda nervous about the whole thing. So, me bein' such a nice guy and all, I tried to help the poor sap relax a little. Lemme tell you, keepin' up a one-sided conversation all night long is a lot of work. Then, after things were finally goin' smooth and shit, he went and got all tense on me again, so I had to drag him home and jump his bones. Now I'm pretty much beat."

Seto playfully bit Joey's bare shoulder. "That sounds absolutely dreadful for you. Are you going to go out with this jerk again?"

"I think so. He's takin' me out for Italian tomorrow night."

"Italian, you say? I don't know if that's going to be possible." Joey immediately stiffened, and Seto hid his smirk in the pillow. "I might have to take out a loan in order to feed you again, and my bank isn't open on Saturday. Do you have any marketable skills, perhaps?"

Joey smacked weakly at Seto's upper arm. "Nobody likes a smartass, y'know." Another huge yawn. "Can I go to sleep now?"

"Only if you answer one more question for me."

"Whaaat?" Joey whined.

Seto smirked. "I can understand why you're so tired right now; after all, you did just get quite a workout..." Joey growled something that might have been 'you smug bastard' into his pillow, but Seto couldn't really be sure. "But that still doesn't explain why you were constantly falling over exhausted at school this past week."

"Uh... well, you know. Just lack of sleep, and uh, stuff."

Seto's ears practically perked up.

Wheeler was a terrible liar.

This was an infinitely useful tidbit of information.

"OK..." he drawled, "Now tell me the truth."

Joey groaned. "If I do, then you'll go to sleep and leave me alone?"

"Deal."

"It's just that... I couldn't help it--" Joey stammered pitifully.

"Spit it out."

A heavy sigh. "You know that look you've been givin' me lately? The one that says 'I wanna pour chocolate sauce all over you and gobble you up whole'?"

Definitely not a bad idea. He'd be sure to keep that suggestion in mind. Seto nodded distractedly.

"Well, it started to get to me after awhile. Actually, it got to me so bad that I couldn't fall asleep at night. I was pretty freaked out that I was havin' those kinds of thoughts about you, of all people, so I tried to shake it off at first." Joey fidgeted restlessly. "That didn't work too well, so finally, I figured out that if I, uh... 'pleasured myself' manually, then I could get some shut-eye."

The silence resulting from this admission was almost deafening in its intensity.

Seto spoke first. "Let me get this straight: You're exhausted every day at school because you've been staying up late at night, jerking off, while thinking about me. Does that pretty much sum it up?"

"Yesss..." Joey hissed through clenched teeth.

"Choking your chicken?"

"I said yes, didn't I?"

"Pulling your pud?"

"Will you drop it already?"

"Spanking your monkey?"

"Now you're just bein' silly."

"That's some truly dedicated wanking, Wheeler. I'm flattered."

"You are such a prick."

"No, I'm completely serious! I think that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."

Joey rolled over to face the brunet. "You need to get out more."

Seto leaned in close, brushing his lips across Joey's. "Or," he breathed huskily, "Maybe I need to stay in more. It's all in one's perspective, don't you think?"

Joey smiled broadly and returned the kiss with interest. "Aren't you a clever one?" he mused aloud.

"So I've been told."

Joey sighed regretfully. "Another round would be fun, but I need sleep, God dammit."

Seto planted another kiss on those irresistible lips, then snuggled in closer to Joey, wrapping both arms around the smaller boy's back and pulling him close. "We both do. Goodnight, Joey."

"You called me Joey..."

"So I did. Now go to sleep."

A pause.

"I had a good time tonight."

"Hn. Me too." Seto's words were slightly slurred, his breathing becoming rhythmic and shallow in a matter of seconds.

"G'night, Seto."

Despite all his protests, it wasn't until some time later that Joey found himself beginning to drowse again. Before sleep could claim him, he lifted himself up on his elbows and placed a soft kiss on Seto's smooth forehead. A stray moonbeam found its way in through the skylight above, and Joey took a moment to enjoy the spectacle of his new lover bathed in the serene, silver glow. Staring down at the brunet's peacefully slumbering face, he whispered, "Please don't be weird in the morning, OK? Well, not any weirder than usual..."

Feeling the reassuring caress of warm skin beneath his fingertips and the sensation of his pleasantly exhausted body clasped tight within a circle of strong arms, Joey Wheeler quickly dropped off into a blissful sleep; the sound of a steady heartbeat the only accompaniment to his contented dreams.

**xxxxx**

**The End**


End file.
